"A Whore With A Monogamous Heart"

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Hi to all my fellow sluts and you closeted freaks out there. My name is Dale Edward Sullivan-Driver-Kiefer-Perrault. Yes, I know, that's a mouthful. Try saying that five times fast.

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And I want to welcome you to "My Fucked Up Fairytale". This is a trauma queen confessional, babies, and I am here to share my truths. Yes, I am a slut. I have accepted the fact that I'm a slut. And after moving to Chicago and being single for almost a year, I finally come to love myself, acknowledge the truths about myself, accept those truths about myself and just start growing from a foundation that I deserve from the beginning of my life.

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And after publishing my first season "Polishing My Turd", I realized that I was holding back. And there was so much about me that I said over and over again in my mind, in my heart, that I was going to take to my grave. And I just felt that it was unfair to myself because there's so much about me that I want to explore. There's so much about the world I want to explore and I just don't want to live a lie. And so at the age of 38, it took a long time for me to come to this place.

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But I have been able to understand the attachment to sex in my upbringing and in the wrong ways that it was brought into my life and parts about me sexually that I was discovering as a young person and really falling in love with it and feeling like it was wrong and being told that who I was wasn't okay. And so we got to pray that shit away and everything will be fine and hurting people along that journey that they didn't really necessarily sign up for because I was never honest. And after two failed marriages, the majority of my fault. And I do recognize that because I spent most of my time creating lies in different versions of myself. So I could hide the fact that I was sleeping around.

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And to come to a place where I can finally open up and take a year off and go off the grid and just spend time alone, which I've never done, and become independent because I've come to terms with my codependent issues from such a young age. And trying to project this story about abuse as an overall aspect of my life and growing up in foster care and all these mishaps that happened in my marriage and trying to also blame others. I know they have their own faults, but I need to focus on my own. And I don't really give a shit what people have to say about me or what my exes want to spread about me because I've learned my truth. I've learned to share my truth.

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And I think being able to finally move to a city that I love and that I chose for myself and not moving for my significant other. Choosing to please myself instead of living my life as a people pleaser has brought me to a place of comfort and being able to live authentically. And I performed in drag. I go by Dicksee Trixxx because she's a Southern slut that runs tricks on every dick she sees. And that's such a fun character for me to play.

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It's not like I'm out there strutin' myself, but I definitely do it in my home and around my friends in Chicago. And I just feel such a freedom that I've never felt before. And it hurts me that I don't get to share that with my children. It hurts me that to focus on pleasing others above myself put my ass in jail, which today is my two year anniversary. And it brings me such a shame, but also such a gratitude.

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Because the lessons I learned in there and learning not to allow someone to control your life to a point where they can so calculatingly create this version of you because you allow them to dictate, narrate your story and you just run away and hide because you're too big of a bitch to share your truth.

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So to my ex wife and my ex husband, I cheated on you both the entire fucking time.

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And I'm sorry. But I'm also not sorry because I know what you brought to the marriage that you don't want to own. And that's okay.

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I know who I am now. And I love every part of me. And I celebrate myself every single day with having the best job, the best group of friends, the best opportunities ahead of me, the opportunity to finally do what I've said I wanted to do.

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And recreate over this past year of just being alone in my own thoughts, which was very scary in the beginning. And I got to tell you right now, doing Shrooms is like, the greatest thing that has ever helped change me, shape me, and save me. And I love that. But I also think it's important to remind ourselves that in the good and bad, because they exist at the same time and at all times together, you can focus on the good parts and the good times and the good opportunities you've had. I've lived so many fucking lives, and people always give me shit for saying that, and they always point it out, and it's always a topic of conversation, but then it also leaves people questioning me and validating me and who I am.

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And a lot of times I get fucked up in my head because I'm like, baby, if you want to own that trauma, own it and live this shit life that you've created for yourself and have allowed the people who have projected shit into your lives weigh you down and make you feel like you don't belong here or you're nothing. That's on you, boo. That's what I had to realize about myself.

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And I think stepping into my own life, discovering who I am, where I want to be, where I want to grow.

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My pastor of an adopted father used to say, now let's go and grow. Are there any real people in the church today? And it was just such a facade. And I just always remember thinking in my head that it was just so disgusting to hear how fake it sounded. And then I listened back to my first season of my podcast, and I was like, you don't sound like yourself.

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You hold back because you are disgusted by your voice or you feel like you don't have a right to say shit because you're not being honest. And I think that was, like, the biggest part of me that was able to take time and push myself back so I could really focus on, hey, are you going to be honest, honest? Or are you going to just lie and project and I don't know, just be someone that you're not and always be that person, because people smell that. They see it somehow. I've had successful opportunities and career choices that I've just fallen into, mostly because I lied on my resumes, but also because I am a hard ass worker.

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And I know that. And I know that I come from shit and I wasn't given the same opportunities as most have been given. But I feel that I deserve every opportunity that I've taken, and I've shown how great I am at growing success for others. The biggest problem was I never focused on the success that I could grow from within for myself. I always focused on loving others, helping others, being there for others, and doing whatever I can to the point where it makes me crazy in my head.

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And I don't mean that as an insult. I truly sometimes consider myself that way. Just even coming from a fucked up family where my birth mother was physically and mentally disabled and never really having that opportunity to have that normal connection and then in my adult life, realizing that I had what I've always desired, which is unconditional love. And she gave every bit of that to me because of her pure heart and her inability to provide nothing but love. I mean, she was completely bedridden and we were poor as shit, and she could do nothing but love me.

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And instead of adopting me out, making sure that I was around and becoming a ward of the state at birth and just a shit life along the way that I kind of suppressed, I think through giving of myself to people sexually, after having that part of me taken away at such a young age and not having the opportunity to make a choice and being tortured by your own family, by your own blood, being shown that your worth is nothing, living in a community where people viewed you as nothing because of what you came from.

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The brands you wore, the home you lived in. And so as a small child, I created a fairy tale world that saved me while I was experiencing the worst shit that I think that most people can't even imagine on what they show on a television show.

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And I don't care that people are uncomfortable by me sharing my truth. And I've shut my mouth too many times for people that have called me out on it and telling me that if I want to fit in somewhere, with some type of class, that I have to act a certain way. And I didn't act right! I lived in one of the wealthiest counties in the world, or at least the country, and I felt valued there, and I felt appreciated, and I fit a role that I felt everyone needed, but it wasn't true to myself, and that's okay because I did enjoy it. And there were parts of it that I brought along to this part of who I am today.

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And I feel like the strong people that have been a part of my journey and in my life, they've really shown me their ability to speak out and be open and be honest.

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I'm glad I finally chosen to do it.

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And I think my biggest goal in life and what people have always said is, at least your heart's in the right place. And it was always to me like I would take it as an offense, but I do know my heart's in the right place, and I've really fucked up a lot of shit along the way, on my own. And I'm excited to share that part of me in the book because I feel it's important to share those skeletons. Because what inspired my book, to be honest, was my adopted family choosing to adopt me at the age of 33 and truly making me feel that it was for me and an unconditional love, and it absolutely wasn't! It was for their selfish gain and in the story, projecting the fact that it was their inadequacies of being a parent or whatever the fuck, basically putting it on me, which everyone loves to do, right?

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Other foster kids can attest to this. Those who keep skeletons in their closets, within family walls, there's nothing out there for people to see on paper. I was the foster kid. That was a known fact. So let's always pin or project onto them.

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Fuck you. The moment I was adopted, not even adopted, the moment I was brought into my family's home at the age of fucking 17, literally turning 18 five seconds later, my adopted mother chooses to have sex with my best friend literally within six months after living there, right after he turned 18. And the second my father left for his Bible trip, whatever the fuck speaking engagement. And it was so awkward because I didn't know how a family is supposed to act, but I knew I wanted that one. And I would do anything in my life to have that one.

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And so I could have friends over and we could drink, we could have a little party. And my best friend was there, and then disappears. And I walked in on them. That was a fun time. And prior to that, living with my best friend in high school, the first true love I ever had because we did have sex literally all the time, which was awesome!

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So fuck you and your mom! But his mother pulled over into a gas station, vacant parking lot, and shut down...and this was after her desire to have me rub her shoulders and rub her head, and whatever. And I was 16 at the time! And she said it turned her on and that she would do anything for me sexually that I wanted.

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And prior to that, having lived with, placed by the state, mind you not.

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A man that was married to my grandmother's sister and a woman he met in a mental hospital that closed down. And so they were, I guess, set free? I guess they were released or something? I don't really care, but took in my birth mother after my grandmother had passed when I was 15 and were abusive in many ways, but the most being taking my mother's only money she had and telling the state that I raped my mother, which was awesome.

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And prior to that, just going through the rape, but also giving myself to men as a kid and also enjoying the times I was raped by certain men and having to be honest about that. And I know it's fucked up, but it is who I am. And I honestly love that part of me. And that's why I call myself a slut. I've probably been with close to 1000 plus people in many different places and crazy places, that's why I say I feel crazy...and I don't mean that as an insult because I do feel crazy in my head, and I've lived in my thoughts for too long and what's really cool is I'm going to celebrate this moment.

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I've smoked for the longest time since I was a teenager and being single for the first time since I was 18 years old, after I met my ex wife. Well, I knew her my whole life, but not as friends. And started dating our senior year and got married right after and immediately jumping to my ex husband nine months after. And so having this time to myself and being single, not being celibate, but being single has been so cool because I quit smoking and I feel really proud of myself. I'm able to enjoy my life, but much more in terms of health and I don't know, I get to explore so much in this wonderful city that I love, and enjoying a winter has been awesome.

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And so if I could do anything for anyone in the world, it would be to help that underdog that feels they have to hide who they truly are because they feel that they won't be accepted or they won't be heard! Or what they say is too much, or their personality is already too much, or they feel that they're being shut down because their light shines brighter than yours.

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The others.

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I think it's a really cool opportunity for me to give back and just say, fuck that noise. What I loved about my adopted mother was she would say the less you stop talking, because that was the only thing that made me popular in school, was my senior superlative. Most talkative! But I always feel I need to talk so I can hide my truth. I always feel I need to come up with stories and be this over the top dramatic individual, which don't get me wrong, I still am. And I love every fucking part of her, but I do know that, that part of me wasn't good because I wanted to just outshine.

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So that way no one actually was able to see through me when most people could. I think...I was always told I was a bad liar, but clearly I wasn't. And that's where I think is like the most freeing is I would project so much onto my ex wife because she cheated and I would project so much onto my ex husband because I knew he was cheating. And I could never just be like, hey, bitches, I'm cheating too! Let's just all cheat together, I guess?

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Or maybe realize that we're toxic for one another and accept our truth and quit projecting onto one another and be honest to move on and do it gracefully. And I definitely never handled myself gracefully. Hello. I have a mugshot that is googable. And so I just think it's cool, to be honest!

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This was very tough for me. This is like my 200th take. And so I'm really proud of this episode and I'm going to leave it raw and unedited because it really is me and I'm happy that I did this and I'm really excited to bring you along my journey. And I'm titling this episode "A Whore With A Monogamous Heart". Because although I am a serial lover and it's toxic, clearly I do want that forever.

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I want my JLo moment. I want my "Marry Me" romantic comedy! And I am that Queen...and I want my King. And so I think it's good to be single and I think it's great to take time to find your independence and be dependent of yourself. I guess that's independence.

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I just said that twice...that is me! But yeah, I love you all. I do love everyone. My therapist used to say I wear rose colored glasses to people's bullshit.

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Which I do. And I've learned a lot of lessons in Chicago. I will tell you now and you'll read it in the book, but it's been worth every moment and opportunity to get to where I am today. And I know there's a lot of people out there that just kind of look at me as "ugh", and I'm okay with that! But at least I'm being honest, and there's nothing wrong with that.

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And I am so happy to be free! And I hope you can be free too! Until next time, I'm Dale Edward Sullivan-Driver-Kiefer-Perrault...Welcome to my "Fucked Up Fairytale".

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A Trauma Queen Confessional.