"The Torture Chamber"

[00:00:01.530] - Speaker 1

Well, hello to all my fellow sluts and you closeted freaks out there. My name is Dale Edward Sullivan-Driver-Kiefer-Perrault, and I want to welcome you to "My Fucked Up Fairytale". I really thought today was going to be one of the most stressful episodes to record. And after releasing the first two and having so much surrounding those two and having really cool conversations with my best friends here in Chicago, my roommate, and just really discovering that speaking your truth and living your most authentic life...And being your most authentic self really does create an opportunity for you to receive so much love, so much light, to be able to just be yourself and feel accepted and accept yourself for that.

[00:00:58.600] - Speaker 1

And I think it's just made me so much more confident than I realized. And so I'm actually excited to talk about today's episode. I've decided to title it the "The Torture Of Chamber". And I titled it that because one of my first memories of being raped as a kid was when I was about five or six and my uncle Carey had moved into the second home. I do remember him living in the first home that I lived in with my grandmother.

[00:01:32.890] - Speaker 1

And then when my birth mother came into the home, we moved. And I remember my grandmother building an garage apartment for my uncle and so that's where he would take me and that became the torture chamber. But then also as a kid in the other home, my uncle would beat the hell out of all of us, including my grandmother and my birth mother... But he took a lot of rage out on me. And so if I cried, he would put me in this closet where you would keep like your broom and stuff in a linen closet, I don't know what it's called. And he would lock me in there for hours and if I wouldn't stop crying, he wouldn't let me out unless I stopped crying.

[00:02:19.960] - Speaker 1

And so I really developed a fear of being trapped from such a young age. And I don't know, it just made me realize when thinking about this episode, just how much of ourselves we don't get to experience from such a young age because it's taken away from us and that right is taken away. And I feel like there's so much judgment on everyone because it feels like those of us who try to fight and step into our light and be authentically, honest and open feel the most pain, feel the most just feeling of rejection. And like, we have to fight for our truth and who we are. And we feel like we've never had an opportunity to be honest.

[00:03:08.340] - Speaker 1

And so having that right taken away from me really did take a lot out of who I wanted to become. And I feel like this where a lot of my anxiety stems from. I'll never forget at this point I was sleeping out on the 

living room sofa in my grandmother's home and I guess I was afraid of the dark in my own room, but I did have my own bedroom. And my Uncle Carey came home one night super drunk and he was big into drugs. And so I slept with the TV on out in the living room and left the noise on.

[00:03:56.360] - Speaker 1

So when he came in, he came to the sofa and he decided to pick me up. And I felt his breath on my neck and heard him whisper in my ear that if I screamed that he would kill me and my mom and my grandma. And so he put his hand around my mouth and he took me to his garage apartment where he basically told me that he was going to teach me how to fuck a woman because I was a faggot. And so this was my punishment and that if I said anything that he would kill me, my grandmother and my mother, like I said. And I think the fear of just knowing what was happening and not being able to feel like I could say anything even though I was sick all the time, I was throwing up in my grandmother's bed..Because I decided to start sleeping with her and I was bleeding and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong.

[00:04:59.420] - Speaker 1

But then I remember my case worker having a conversation, or my mother's case worker, having a conversation with my uncle and telling him whatever was, quote unquote, suspected if it didn't stop, that action was going to be taken. But no action was ever taken because no one really ever gave a fuck. And that's also what kind of broke me from such a young age and having my great uncle, who I'm pretty sure molested his two nephews, my two uncles who caused more pain than you could ever imagine in my life and the abuse and the torture that they brought into it. And what you'll read in this chapter, I am very open and I do go into detail quite a bit. Not anything graphic, but just the stories and the amount of times and understanding, too, that as I got a little older that I knew that they enjoyed the fight and the struggle.

[00:06:11.350] - Speaker 1

And so I knew if I pretended that I wanted it then it would stop, maybe? And it did. But it just got me beat. And I'd rather be beat than have that happen to me.

[00:06:25.520] - Speaker 1

My uncle would share me with certain people too, and I would remember him sitting outside or going outside with his beer and his drugs and pretending like nothing was happening and letting people have their way with me. And so I was introduced to just believing that everyone has some type of sexual kink. I'll just call it kink because I don't want to call it a dysfunction. I feel like people should be expressive in who they are sexually, obviously not when it comes to raping a child.

[00:07:04.690] - Speaker 1

But understanding that sex is such a root of who we are and it's such a huge secret. And that secret that we keep in expressing who we are in our truth only causes us to hurt people, because hurt people, hurt people.

[00:07:26.870] - Speaker 1

And I feel like with sharing my truth in this and what happened to me at such a young age and realizing where it's taken me along my journey, and ending up liking it and being that small child in the shower, loving to ride my Suave bottle and feeling like who I was was really fucked up because I was put in therapy, just to tell me that any feelings I was having was because of the rape. But also who I was wasn't okay because I was also asking for it because I was prancing around as my uncle called me, a little "sissy faggot", and then punishing me for it and no one ever stopping it. And I felt like I didn't have anyone in my corner. And so I did search for this unconditional love from a family that would protect me and love me and keep me safe and never turn their backs on me. And my journey has not shown me that.

[00:08:42.330] - Speaker 1

And I also accept the fact that I haven't been willing to be honest about who I am fully and the things that I've kept in terms of my sex addiction and understanding that who I am is beautiful. And I don't need to hide it because I'm scared no one will want to fall in love with me. I just need to share it because maybe there's someone out there that relates to that. And I too, because they're afraid of not feeling accepted. And so that's a small taste of my torture chamber.

[00:09:16.250] - Speaker 1

And just remember to love people and understand that you don't know where they come from and what their backstory is. All you can do is extend a hug and love on people. Until next time. I'm Dale Edward Sullivan-Driver-Kiefer-Perrault.

[00:09:32.610] - Speaker 1

And thank you for listening to "My Fucked Up Fairytale", this is my "Trauma Queen Confessional". Bye, babies. Muah:)