"Trailer Trash"

[00:00:05.930] - Speaker 1

Hi to all my fellow sluts and you closeted freaks out there. My name is Dale Edward Sullivan-Driver-Kiefer-Perrault, and I want to welcome you to "My Fucked Up Fairytale". Today's episode I have decided to title "Trailer Trash" and I've also decided to release it on Valentine's Day, because what better day than "Valentine's Day" to release another fucked up love story of mine. And so I'm excited to talk about today's episode because I have some really cool, just reflections to share and I want to start doing that more at the end of every episode. Just kind of share a reflection of what I went through as a child and then reflected on as an adult through therapy and just taking the lessons from those situations and applying them to my life today and making sure that I'm growing and becoming a better version of myself and leaving those awful parts of me behind, but also learning to love those parts about me and see the growth that I've had over the past 38 years of my life and actually doing the work, and moving myself from a victim mindset to more of a survivor mindset, and understanding that I can still take those good parts of me from my past that I enjoyed and just bring them all together as this person that I am today. And so yeah, I'm really excited! I went with "Trailer Trash" because I was trailer trash. So while I was living with my grandmother and my birth mother, and my uncle Carey and all that shit was going on, I do think that I mentioned my birth mother being in a car accident. When?

[00:02:08.030] - Speaker 1

I was five or six. And she ended up being ejected from the front windshield window and out of her wheelchair, which she had a handicap van that had a chair lift on it. And so the seat belt didn't work. And then she flew out of the window onto the road. And I know she was on life support.

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I do not really have memories of this time period. And so my mom later on told me that she didn't want me to see her and so she did almost die and said that she fought to live because of me.

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Anyway, when that all happened, I know that my grandmother brought in family members to help take care of my mother, which kicked me out of my room. And so I think between that and my Uncle Carey and everything that was going on with the abuse and literal torture and trapping me and just raping me, decided that it was a good opportunity for my other uncle, which I had mentioned. My mom has two brothers and a sister, my other uncle Jerry and his wife Diane and their daughter, who was always my favorite cousin and we'll get into that in a moment.

[00:03:36.310] - Speaker 1

But I do have to say that I will never forget the day that I did go home with my Uncle Jerry and Aunt Diane  

and my cousin Olivia, and just seeing my grandmother stand on that front doorstep. And screaming, bawling my eyes out in the most dramatic way! Beating on the back window as we drove off and being so scared because she was my security. And that was the only security I knew at that moment in my life then being six years old or seven years old and having to go with someone else that I obviously barely knew because I was so young. I don't think you have a memory to feel some sort of connection.

[00:04:25.330] - Speaker 1

The only connection I felt was with my cousin Olivia, but I still wanted my grandmother. And so the trailer that I grew up in from seven to fifteen years old was like, literally one of the shittiest trailers that you could imagine. And there used to be this place called, what we called, the Dirty Dozen, which just had like twelve single wide trailers in a row, and they were all falling apart, and looked decayed and whatever. And so that's basically what I lived in, except for we were on more land because my Aunt Diane's family owned ten acres and there were four homes on it, three trailers and then their home.

[00:05:10.290] - Speaker 1

And I did end up loving the nature aspect to it because there was cattle and there were goats and geese and chickens and guineas and peacocks and a bull at one point, and so it was just a lot of fun. And I took that on as my life. There were always, like, farm cats and that part of my life was super cool. And I appreciate it more now reflecting on that then I did back then, except for when I would escape my uncle.

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Anyways, my Uncle Jerry ended up breaking his back at work and became addicted to pain pills and moved on to harder shit and started doing crystal meth and other drugs and just became a really shitty person and became super physically abusive and verbally abusive. And most of the time I would always try to protect my aunt and my cousin because I didn't want him to hurt either of them. And I feel like that's where a lot of the protector I am came from. That, and like the kids that would pick on my birth mother because of her disabilities and writing the word "retard" on the side of our house, and the cops doing nothing about it because they didn't know what kid in the neighborhood did it.

[00:06:42.700] - Speaker 1

Or them picking me up from the bus stop and there being blood coming down my face because I got beat up because of who my family was. And I also took that at home. And so my life just became this complete mess where I was constantly being beat up at home and at school, and picked on at home and at school. And I hated my life. I really did.

[00:07:09.260] - Speaker 1

Fucking did, more than anyone will ever know. And ways I disconnected was through the nature that we had and pretending again, yet this fairytale that I would create and, like, living my own "farm girl fantasy" and also just my cousin was and will always be to me the most beautiful human that I ever laid eyes on. And I wanted to be her. She was a pageant queen and a cheerleader and she was everything that I wanted to be.

[00:07:49.830] - Speaker 1

But I was put in baseball and like all the hetero male centric sports and football and just making sure that I got the shit beat out of me so they could fuck the sissy out of me, and beat the little faggot out of me. And so, yeah, that's me in a nutshell, as a child, from seven to fifteen.

[00:08:18.910] - Speaker 1

And when no one was in the trailer, I would sport my cousin's crown and just pretend, and her sashes, and pretend that I was Miss America...which is all I ever wanted to be. And ended up we ended up having another or I had another cousin, my cousin Olivia's sister and my Uncle Jerry and Aunt Diane's child that we basically raised as children because my Aunt Diane was taking care of her father and didn't really know what was going on in the house, I guess, but also did because she witnessed it and experienced it herself. And I remember protecting her from it.

[00:09:04.110] - Speaker 1

And so you'll read more of that in the book. And I do go into detail with that a lot because I feel like people do need to know that shit. But one thing that I think in terms of reflecting on that part of me is understanding that the words and the physical abuse, like, I ended up begging for it because I felt like if I again could have control over my uncle from beating me same with rape. Like, if I was like, oh, hey, Daddy, you want me to suck your dick? And then them beating the shit out of you because that just turned them off.

[00:09:47.630] - Speaker 1

They wanted you to fight for it. I felt like I could have that same right with getting the shit beat out of me by my Uncle Jerry and just being like, yeah, beat me up, bitch. Fuck me up. Do what you want.

[00:10:01.630] - Speaker 1

But unfortunately, I felt like he got off on that. It just made him worse. And so my Aunt Diane would always tell me to shut the fuck up, just like I've heard in my adult life. And I just didn't learn that all throughout school, I got a number of six on a report card, which meant talks excessively, and excessive behavior or 

some shit, which is why I got most talkative in my senior year and just never learned to shut my mouth until now.

[00:10:32.410] - Speaker 1

They ended up adopting me, which was kind of fucked up. And I think the reason why they did that was because they wanted child support from my birth mother, especially knowing that she got a small ass settlement from her car accident and almost died from it. Piece of shift for doing that, but would also have me lie about things to my grandmother and my mother so that way they would give them money. And I fucking hated that. And between that and not wanting to go to my grandmother's house because my Uncle Carey would fucking rape me or my grandmother's brother, my great uncle would rape me, or the next door neighbor would rape me when my Uncle Carey would get his drugs and beer and shit.

[00:11:17.930] - Speaker 1

That's why I disconnected from this world for a very long time and shoved a lot of shit deep down inside. And I took it out on myself. I took it out on others. I allowed them to take it out on me. And I just wanted something to change.

[00:11:35.840] - Speaker 1

And unfortunately, what changed was my grandmother passing and it killed me. But it also did open a door for me to be set free because my cousin Olivia ended up getting pregnant and my Uncle Jerry was going to kill that baby. And my Aunt Diane still says to this day that that baby is a grown ass woman today because I saved her. And I feel so proud of that moment. But it did change everything and I think it was, again, a great thing that happened, as fucked up as it is.

[00:12:15.550] - Speaker 1

And I'm very proud that my cousin Olivia was able to have that girl. And I do know that she grew up to become a physician's assistant. She's married and happy and beautiful and she looks just like my cousin. So yeah. And a reflection just from that time in my life I wouldn't share that I used to, like, break into trailers and take their food because I was starving.

[00:12:49.900] - Speaker 1

Or I started stealing alcohol at the age of, like, thirteen and making rum and Coke bottles for my friends at school so I could try to be cool and fit in because I was tired of being picked on and hated on at school because I was already having that at home. And I kept that part of me inside for a very long time. It took me going to jail and being married to someone who struggled with alcohol, my ex husband, and us being very toxic for one another in that situation. And people never knowing that. I hid being drunk all the time 

and did it very well.

[00:13:32.050] - Speaker 1

And realizing after I went to jail that I was just like my uncles in that aspect. And also reflecting on the fact that it also helped to be drunk when I got fucked. And it was more of like feeling like I needed hate fucked if I wasn't getting it from men.

[00:13:56.330] - Speaker 1

And feeling like the pain that my Uncle Jerry would inflict on me, beating the shit out of me, wanting that in sex, having someone choke me, slap me, spit on me, whatever the fuck, just to make me feel like I'm not human. And having to realize in my adult life like holy shit, unpack that. And knowing that my exes had to deal with that shit too. And I get it. But also I've grown past it and hopefully you do too.

[00:14:28.330] - Speaker 1

And quit playing a victim card because it's sad because you guys were just as big of pieces of shit as I was in that time period. Whether you've grown today or not doesn't really matter to me.

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But I do know the difference between myself and my uncles is the fact that the first moment I did realize what some type of normal love was, was when my children were born and feeling a love for them that I felt for literally no one else on this planet. And always made sure to tell my kids and have them repeat to me that "how much does daddy love you?..daddy loves you more than anything in the world". And I was a shit father and I will own that every day of my life.

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But no one can ever question the love that I have still to this day for my children and will always.

[00:15:28.490] - Speaker 1

My birth family didn't give a shit about me. They didn't know what love was except for my mother and my grandmother. Everyone else inflicted pain that did end up leading me to inflicting pain on myself and I had to take ownership for that as an adult. And over the last two years I have done the work and I've made sure to realize my faults, my actions and owning every bit of that so I can be a better person. And it sucks that people have been a part of my life when I was at my shit's worst but at the same time baby, you attract what you are and I believe that is so true otherwise there wouldn't have been so much sexual dysfunction in my life, and along my journey and my path.

[00:16:22.310] - Speaker 1

I feel like until I finally chose to be single. There wouldn't be so much alcohol abuse and lying and cheating and just being someone that you're not and having to look in the mirror and be like, I'm that same person.

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This is where we have a chance to be our authentic selves and grow. Stop playing a victim card, a victim role set, pulling the victim card and playing that victim role and choosing to take ownership for your shit, knowing that the shit that was projected on you sucks. But it is what it is. Learn to take the good parts.

[00:17:03.510] - Speaker 1

A good part from my marriage to my ex wife that you'll hear later is she told me and I will never forget that she was thankful because I did teach her how to be more loving and touchy feely because I am a hugger and that made me so proud. It was like the only good thing that I brought to the marriage. But, shit, besides bringing our kids, helping bring our kids into this world, the greatest humans literally ever, and the happiest and also having to play that part where you realize, like, you aren't the best for these kids, you need to be honest. You need to come out. I knew my ex wife would someday take the kids away from me. 

[00:17:46.120] - Speaker 1

That was a given just from her past and what she comes from, but realizing that there would be a chance hopefully someday where they came back, just like I did with my mom. And also just realizing that you still have to continue to live your life and grow and become a better person and it's okay to separate from people. And I think that was the greatest lesson I ever learned from leaving my cousin Olivia, because our relationship changed and she was my best friend.

[00:18:27.330] - Speaker 1

That sometimes you grow apart from someone and it's okay. You can still wish them well, you can still have a love for them, for my kids, all the love in the world, I just didn't know what a healthy love was. And I'm still learning, and I'm okay with accepting that, but at least I own my fucking truth and I don't need to project onto anyone anymore.

[00:18:58.810] - Speaker 1

You can take the person out of the trailer, but you can't take the trash out of them. So I am trailer trash and always will be. But it's a better version of trailer trash than what I come from. I now at least have sheets and a proper blanket and a proper decor in my room.

[00:19:18.370] - Speaker 1

My house isn't falling apart... Again, I am Dale Edward Sullivan-Driver-Kiefer-Perrault, and this is "My Fucked Up Fairytale: A Trauma Queen Confessional". Until next time babies, love you! Muah:)